Just got home from Thanksgiving with Chad’s family.  While it wasn’t as difficult as I thought it might be, I still feel like I’ve been hit by a Mack truck.  Now, sitting here in the semidarkness of my near silent home, I’m struggling with a load of emotions.  Anger, frustration, sadness all piling on at once.  If this is any indication of how the rest of the holiday is going to be, I think I’d rather sleep through it.

I am thankful for all of my friends and family – they’re wonderful people who are willing to help me in whatever way I need.  But I’m most thankful for the time I had with Chad.  While it wasn’t long enough, the time we shared made me a better person – I don’t want to think about my life without him in it.

If you believe the 1969 theory about grieving, then you know the five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.  This theory states that the stages may not occur in any sort of order, or you may only experience part of them (at least two according to the theory).

I have apparently found the anger stage.  It comes and goes, depending upon what else is going on in my life.  Tonight my anger has reached a new level.  I just want to throw something – anything – in hopes that it will make me feel better.  But I know it won’t.  Nothing will.  The anger will burn off, leaving nothing but sadness.  And the aching hole in my heart where my darling husband belongs.

God, I never knew it was possible to miss someone this much.  It makes me physically ill sometimes, usually coming out of left field to blindside me in a weak moment.  I’ve always believed in love at first sight, but was a bit skeptical about dying of a broken heart.  Now that I’m living that experience, I can certainly see how it’s possible.

While I may be battling my grief, I will not allow it to win the war.  I will not allow it to defeat me.  I may not be the same person I was before because everything we experience in life changes who we are, but I will survive.  Anything less is unacceptable.

Well, I think my anger is beginning to burn off (and it should be after the way I’ve been abusing my keyboard!) so I guess I’ll head to bed in hopes that the rest will dissipate while I sleep.

I’ve been thinking about getting a new tattoo a lot lately.  I have two already, from my ‘wild’ college years.  Getting a tattoo was something that Chad wanted to do, but couldn’t settle on what & where he wanted it.  I’d like to get inked again, doing something to honor him.

I have what I think is an awesome idea (no, there is no tattooing of names involved) for a simple tattoo that will have meaning for me without being obvious to the rest of the world.  I’m terrified of needles, which is why both of my other tattoos are on my back – I couldn’t see what was going on, but I’m willing to tough it out for this.

My dilemma is this: where do I put it?  I’d like to have it visible to me everyday without having to look in a mirror to see it.  But I also want to be able to hide/disguise it if necessary.  I realize that I will probably interview for a different job at some point in my life.  Do employers really care about tattoos (as long as they’re not vulgar or obscene) anymore?  I really like the idea of putting it on the inside of my left wrist, so anytime I wear anything with short sleeves it will be visible.  I guess I could cover it with a watch band in that location too.

I am still in the thinking stages – no definite decisions have been made yet – so any input is welcome.

Today is the 35th day since my husband died.  It feels more like 35 weeks.  Most days I handle things pretty well.  I go to work, come home, walk the dog, fix and eat supper, and putter around the house doing little chores or reading or watching television until it is time to go to bed.  Weekends haven’t been too bad, mostly because there has been someone around every weekend.  Until this one.

This weekend wasn’t all bad.  One of Chad’s cousins got married yesterday and, of course, we were invited to the wedding.  I realized early on that there was no way I would be able to handle the ceremony, so I skipped that part.  But I did go to the dance last night.  And for the most part, it was fun.  I got to catch up with some people, hugged a lot more, and just tried to enjoy being social.  There were quite a few people who wanted to chat about how I’m doing (big surprise, huh?) which was nice because I know the girls at work get tired of hearing about it all of the time. 

It wasn’t all fun, though.  Obviously, I didn’t dance – not much anyway.  And definitely not to any slow songs.  But I did learn something.  I never realized it was possible to feel so alone in a dancehall full of people – people I know and care about and who know and care about me. 

Today was worse though.  I really was alone all day.  I can only talk to myself and my dog so much.  I can only watch so much television and can only read for so long.  I should start sewing on Christmas gifts, but there are so many memories tied to my quilting hobby that I just can’t bring myself to go back to the sewing machine.  The cold weather makes is hard to want to go outside and do anything.  Sundays are hard anyway, because they mark the end of another week without Chad and the beginning of the next one.  Part of the difficulties also lie in the fact that Sunday was his day off of work – the one day of the week that we worked around the house together, watched the NASCAR race,  and just got to enjoy each other’s company for the entire day.  I’m beginning to hate Sundays.  Monday is a welcome relief because of the distraction of work.

I think it’s going to be a very long winter.

My life has changed forever.  My darling, sweet, funny husband Chad died yesterday.  What the hell am I supposed to do now??  I’m angry, shocked, sad (duh), and very, very confused.

Ever since I was a little girl, the beginning of the school year has signified the beginning of fall.  Even though there is (usually) some really hot days left in the year, going back to school welcomes in autumn.  Maybe it’s because I don’t really like summer all that much (ugg, hot, humid weather), but summer has never held much appeal.  Yes, I was one of those strange kids who actually.  liked.  school.  I was always ready to go back sooner than my parents were ready to send me back. 

School started on Monday.  The college kids are back in town and have spent the week driving me insane with schedule changes, information requests, and a myriad of minute details that fill my days and keep me from accomplishing any of my normal tasks at work.  But I welcome them back because their return signals the return of my favorite season.

Wow- 2 posts in the same week!  Must be a new record or something.

This one isn’t for me.  One of my very best friends (A) is having a hard time right now.  Her mom was diagnosed with leukemia several years ago.  They’ve gone through several different treatments but all of the options have been exhausted.  She’s now terminal and the doctors don’t think she has very long to live.  A’s family is trying to fit a lifetime into a few days.

What I’m asking for is lots and lots prayers for this family.  Prayers to help them find peace with all of this.   Prayers that A’s mom is pain-free and can enjoy the remaining time she has.

I have always felt awkward in social situations, especially with strangers.  I seem to lack the part of my brain that makes small talk possible.  Meeting new people is difficult.  I can go for long stretches of time without talking if I have nothing to say – I don’t talk just to fill silence.  I am also very self-conscious about pretty much everything I do and say, unless I’m around close friends and immediate family.  People in positions of higher authority make me so nervous I almost swallow my tongue.  I also internalize pretty much all of my emotions until I can’t stand it anymore.

I am fully aware of these shortcomings.  I struggle with not being quite so awkward, pretty much on a daily basis.  However, there are days when all of my skills escape me and I make a major faux pas.    Today was one of those days. 

A coworker’s son got married this weekend.  Today was the coworker’s first day back in the office since the wedding.  I didn’t ask how the wedding went (I didn’t go).  Coworker got upset – her feelings were hurt because I didn’t ask.  There are several reasons, but verbalizing these just makes them sound like excuses.  Basically, my already lacking social skills failed.  Coworker reacted by offering me some “advice” and pointing out my social inadequacies.  This did nothing but hurt my feelings and make me even more self-conscious.  I apologized.  Several times.  Then I barely spoke to anyone the rest of the day unless it was necessary.

How do I make this less awkward?  I know we’re going to have some uncomfortable moments.  We work together, but we are in separate rooms so we’re not together constantly.  And how do I use this to help my social skills?  And not let it completely destroy what little self-confidence that I have?  I have tried the “fake it until you make it” theory without much success.  In the past I’ve almost lost myself in the “fake”.  I still struggle with who I am sometimes.

Any and all advice is welcome!

So much for trying to be better at updating here.  Well, it’s now February.  I’ve completely missed an entire month of the year – not quite sure where it disappeared to though.  Between recovering from the holidays, trying to get to work between snowstorms, and struggling to stay warm without spending a fortune on heating bills, the entire month just kind of snuck past me.

Here’s a quick recap of what has occurred since I last posted:

• I managed to finish all of my quilt orders and gifts with a couple of days to spare before Christmas.  Everyone seemed thrilled with my work – especially my brother and his wife.
• Chad and I spent several days at my parents’ house celebrating Christmas, Dad’s birthday, and new babies (my cousin’s).  We had a delightful time and throughly enjoyed the time away from home and work.
• We also celebrated Christmas with Chad’s family.
• Spent New Year’s Eve at home and asleep before midnight.

January was a mass of snowstorms – one of which kept me from getting home one night after work.  We had a lot of wind with the snow and it just wasn’t safe to travel.  So I spent the night with one of my co-workers.  Cold weather was also a challenge last month.  We had a lot of days where the temperature didn’t get above single digit numbers.  Combine that with the snow that we had on the ground and it’s been a long, miserable winter so far.  Chad’s pool league started up right after the first of the year so we’ve been spending one night a week in the bar for that.  Thankfully this is the last week of the regular season – only two more weeks to go! 

That should just about bring this back up to date.  Hopefully I’ll do a better job of keeping up from now on!

Edited to add:  I have (finally!) updated my Blogroll.

I’ve copied this from Marathon Mom. The things I’ve done are in red:

1. Started your own blog
2. Slept under the stars
3. Played in a band
4. Visited Hawaii
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than you can afford to charity
7. Been to Disneyland
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sang a solo
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch – quilting counts, right?
15. Adopted a child
16. Had food poisoning
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown your own vegetables
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept overnight on a train
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitch hiked
23. Taken a sick day when your’re not ill
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a Marathon
28. Ridden a gondola in Switzerland
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run
32. Been on a cruise
33. Seen Niagra Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
35. Seen Amish country
36. Taught yourself a new language
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David
41. Sung karaoke
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had your portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in movie
55. Been in a movie
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies
62. Gone whale watching
63. Got flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi concentration camp
67. Bounced a check
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten Caviar
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Read the entire Bible
86. Visited the White House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
88. Had chickenpox
89. Saved someone’s life
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous
92. Joined a book club
93. Lost a loved one
94. Had a baby
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a lawsuit
98. Owned a cell phone
99. Been stung by a bee
100. One cavity or less