Is admitting I’m lost part of finding my way?

I have a secret.  One I don’t really want anyone to know, but I need to share it with someone.  So here goes.

I’m feeling a little lost and a lot alone.

There, I admitted it.  That’s always the first step, right?  I’m not sure if this is just the letdown from the move and the job change or what.  I’m still unsure of myself at work.  I don’t have many friends here and I don’t talk to a lot of the ones I left behind when I moved.  I love my family, but I can only spend so much time with them.  I’m so lonely sometimes . . . . . and so angry that I want to throw something.  Or hit something.  Both of which I’ve done in the past week.

I feel myself slipping back into old, bad habits – doing stupid things that I did in college.  If it was stupid then, I’m sure it’s really stupid now.  Things like trying to be who everyone wants me to be.  I have different masks that I wear, one for each situation or person that I encounter.  The masks let me be whoever I’m supposed to be, but hides the real me.  The one who is scared, confused, lonely, and just wants to be recognized for the wonderful person she is.  The one who fears rejection above all else.  So I continue to shield her from the pain that I know the big bad world can cause.

I don’t know how to deal with any of this.  I don’t know who to turn to.  I don’t want to burden anyone with my problems, yet there’s a voice inside of me that’s screaming out, needing to be heard.

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About mrsleise

I am a thirty-something woman trying to create a new life after the death of my husband. I am employed at a postsecondary educational institution. I also create quilts and shoot photographs. I just happen to be lucky enough to get paid for doing both.
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