I feel like I should write something. About Chad. About the 2 year anniversary of his death. About S. About me. Something – anything. But I don’t know what. Maybe about how relieve I am that I sleep normally most nights. I hated those early days when I couldn’t manage more than a couple of hours a night. Or how I feel like I’m finding a new life for myself. How I’m grateful that I no longer pray each night for the strength to get out of bed the next morning. How I can think of Chad and smile over the good times with only a twinge of pain and sadness. How I still think of him every time I look at the dog, smell cigarette smoke, or hear a Johnny Cash song. About the groove in my finger where my wedding rings used to sit and how it’s almost gone, just barely visible in one spot. How the weight of those rings feels strange now if I slip them back on for a minute or two. I miss seeing them there.
Or how I’m in a relationship with someone again. Someone who cares for me, thinks I’m beautiful, and who is willing to help me deal with the emotional baggage that remains from Chad’s death. Someone who I care about and want to spend time with. How I don’t feel any guilt about this relationship because Chad would want me to be happy.
And I am happy. Happy with who I’ve become in the past 2 years. Happy that I somehow found the strength to build a new life out of the rubble of the one that Chad & I shared. Happy that I’ve made a few mistakes along the way, but even happier that I learned from them.
I feel like I should write something, but I just don’t know what to say . . .