Fear

I think know that I’m afraid.  Not afraid of the ghosts, goblins, and other assorted scary stuff that appears this time of year, but afraid of my own feelings.  I don’t like being afraid.  It holds me back from things that I really want in life.

Things with S are great.  We’re settling into our relationship and continuing to learn more about each other.  We still talk most nights, usually for at least an hour, and never run out of things to talk about.  We have discovered that we can have a good time together even when we do nothing.  We enjoy cooking meals together.  We successfully navigated grocery shopping together – and managed to not maim or kill each other or any other shoppers.  🙂  Last weekend I even got some work done while I was visiting for the weekend (gasp!).  Like I said before, things are great. 

But.  Every once in awhile, something will be done/implied/said that freaks me out.  Something completely innocent like the use of a term of endearment will startle me.  Any mention of celebrating a holiday or birthday that’s more than a couple of weeks away causes my palms to sweat.  My heart races at the thought of meeting each other’s families.    Why, you ask?  After a couple of sleepless nights I think I have the answer.

I believe that I’m afraid of getting hurt.  The last time I got seriously involved with a man I married him.  Then he died, shattering my life into a million tiny little pieces.  Now I’m not saying that things are that serious with S – we’re firmly in the “like” stage – but occasionally there are small reminders that we are getting deeper into our relationship.  Like pet names, holidays, and talk of meeting family members.  While more serious is a good thing, it’s (also) very scary because the more serious we get, the more it will hurt if our relationship ends.  And I’ve had enough emotional pain to last the rest of my life, thankyouverymuch.

I feel like I’m cheating both of us out of what our relationship really could be because I’m holding a part of me back.  I just wish I knew what to do to fix it.

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About mrsleise

I am a thirty-something woman trying to create a new life after the death of my husband. I am employed at a postsecondary educational institution. I also create quilts and shoot photographs. I just happen to be lucky enough to get paid for doing both.
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