My good friend “A” had a baby yesterday. This is a wanted, loved child – the product of a happy marriage. I am so happy for them. The baby is beautiful and healthy. But my joy for her is tainted with jealousy and sadness. I want what she has.
What people don’t realize is how much it sucks to do things alone, to not have family to fall back on and to not really have anything that passes for a purpose in our lives. We have no one who depends upon us, and we really can’t depend upon anyone – especially as we age and our parents or siblings, if we have any siblings, pass away. I realize how much is out there that I can’t do. Most things are either family activities or scandalous things that happy unwidowed college students do. The only middle ground is for couples. I’m really out of ideas and on the days when I feel like exiting the house, I just feel so isolated and alone. There is no group of buddies that were always there to do something with for the sake of doing something, like there was in high school. I’m just at a time of life when things should be set, everything should be working smoothly in its nice routine, clicking into place as part of “the plan.” Instead it all crumbled to shit and I’m just spinning around in the darkness reaching out, but nothing is there.
I’m not even asking for answers, I know I can take a class, volunteer, fake it at work. But even when I do those things I still feel alone, like a part is missing, like I’m watching it all from behind some foggy glass. And it hurts – a lot.
This whole post just sounds like a pity party. Not intentional, but I needed to get that rant out.