Hitting a wall

I feel broken tonight.  Like the stresses of life have beaten me.  And I’m not sure if I should try to fight back or just curl up in a ball and wait for the beating to end.  I’m angry enough to want to lash out, but I don’t have anyone or anything to yell at or hit. Well, except the wall in the hallway that I hit (literally) earlier.

I’ve been under a lot of stress at work lately.  Too much to do and not enough hours in the day.  I actually worked about 30 hours last weekend, so today feels more like Friday than Wednesday.  It’s disheartening to think that I have to go in tomorrow.  There’s also been a flood of students into my office with questions, which is normal for this time of year.  I like seeing them but a couple of today’s visitors were memorable.  One was angry, the other in tears.  It’s hard for me to deal with their emotions at both extremes.

I’ve also recently started seeing someone again.  I thought things were going well.  We were enjoying getting to know each other.  It was nice to get out and be social, and to be reminded that I don’t have to be alone.  I’m not quite sure what happened, but his interest has waned.  Anyone who knows me knows how much I fuss and worry about being liked so the cooling of his attentions is very disturbing to me.  I understand if he’s just not interested (I can be a little much for some people – ha) but if I did/said something I’d like to know what it was so I don’t repeat the same mistake again.  We’re still sort of talking but I’m not quite sure where I stand.  And that uncertainty drives me crazy!

I’m also trying to renew my faith.  Renew may not be quite the right word though.  I’ve been angry with God for awhile now – I guess you could say I was giving him the ‘silent treatment’ – and I’m realizing that anger isn’t doing anything but making me miserable.  Slowly but surely I’m trying to improve myself and repair my faith, not just in God but in myself as well.

All of this combined with some concerns about family and friends, the change in seasons (fall to winter is particularly hard for me), and the upcoming holidays has finally become too much to handle.  I was muttering under my breath all the way to my car after work today, ranted on the drive home, and have actually cried a couple of times tonight.  Not that silent cry where tears slowly trickle down, but the ugly, puffy-eyed, snot-filled, uncontrollable sobs cry.  The first round of tears came at the end of my drive home, which probably wasn’t the best idea but I couldn’t stop it.  The second round came as I did something I haven’t done in over a year – slid my wedding rings back onto my finger.  They’ve been there for over an hour and I’m amazed how quickly that weight on my finger became familiar again.  I know I can’t wear them all of the time (too weird) but I’m surprised at how much comfort they bring me on a bad day.

Well, enough whining for one night.  I’ve written a book (thanks for staying with me, if you’ve lasted this long) and my hand hurts. Just needed to get all of that off of my chest.

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About mrsleise

I am a thirty-something woman trying to create a new life after the death of my husband. I am employed at a postsecondary educational institution. I also create quilts and shoot photographs. I just happen to be lucky enough to get paid for doing both.
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